Muswell Maidens CC vs. Tetherdown Trundlers CC: Match 3
Date: Friday September 5, 2014: 5:00 pm.
Match: Muswell Maidens CC vs. Tetherdown Trundlers CC: Match 3
Venue: North London Cricket Club
Status: Limited Overs (40); Full Test Status
Result: Tetherdown Trundlers CC 140/7 lost to Muswell Maidens CC 145/4. Match Lost.
Skipper: Frais, succeeded[1] by Grainger
Ducksman: Robinson
Your chronicler being absent from this game the match report must take a somewhat unusual form. I have this enlightening correspondence between your chronicler and Robinson, an eye-witness to what went on.
Buxton: I say, old boy: how did you go on Friday? Am I right in thinking you opened the batting?
Robinson: “Opened”, yes – Frais mistook my nervous glance at him when asking for volunteers (there being no quality batsman available at that point) as a desperate cry for “pick me!” Let me tell you, I meant no such thing. First ball I swung at a medium paced [here the obscenity filter interceded but Robinson subsequently explained you could substitute a colloquial expression for a pet cat without losing the gist] of a delivery going way down leg and dinked the blighter up nicely for keeper. Exit stage left for poor old Robbo to the sounds of [and here the obscenity filter interceded once again and caused a computer crash]. Well, the air turned blue in Aberdeen, I don’t mind telling you. Our bowling was characteristically erratic; having bowled someone with my 8th delivery I followed up by a gift of 4 wides.
Buxton: I imagine some frightful cad asleep in the deep at fine leg? Ritterband?
Robinson: No, no, not a “four-wides”. I bowled four one-wides in a row. By the end of the over the umpire flapping around like the birdman of Alcatraz. But I took immense pride in winding the [obscenity filter again] out of their most effective batsman – who moaned about the plethora of leg side deliveries. Umps just ignored him.
Buxton: Excellent. Were there any other amusements to report? Ritterband normally does something preposterous doesn’t he (like getting a duck)? [In fact Ritterband wasn’t playing. Our correspondent had confused this with the Palm Tree game of the same week, wherein Ritterband played and, indeed, did get a duck - Ed]
I am going to write a report, even though I wasn’t there, and am planning to make up all sorts of scurrilities as usual, but they’re always a little keener if there’s a grain of truth to them. Was anyone notably petulant or incompetent?
Robinson: Grainger turned quite earnest when he took on captaincy, Frais buggering off midway through their innings (they batted second). I think he had swallowed the lexicon of captaincy clichés [Can confirm - Ed], shouting at regular intervals “keep pressure up”, “walking in etc.”, “it’s a game of two halves” and “that’s the way to do it”. Or was that Punch & Judy? Frais got wickets but also saw the ball dispatched for 6’s at rather regular intervals. [Editor: Here the correspondence becomes truly interesting.] But Plimley was Derek Randall reincarnated; his was batting was awfully good, as was Phillips’ and Grainger’s: all said men hitting the 20’s. The light began to fade just after 19:00, and with it our chance of victory – they had a couple of batsmen who were a cut above and must have delivered 60-70% of runs. They surpassed us in 17th I think.
Buxton: Yes, beneath Grainger’s demure exterior beats the heart of a serious over-competitor and a purveyor of highest quality platitudes. And Plimley actually got runs, by George! Not even by accident, but on purpose?
Robinson: Oh, on purpose all right. It was quite the innings. He is forever to be known as J “Garfield Sobers” P, or similar. [Here Robinson enclosed a sketch of an orange domestic cat with a bottle of mineral water - Ed]
Buxton: His strokeplay was “as Garfield sobers” – I see. Was he stroking elegantly to all points of the oval? Or was he smiting mercilessly like the God of the Old Testament?
Robinson: The both, although “stroking elegantly to all points of the oval” sounds dangerously like a euphemism.
Buxton: Intentionally, Robinson, intentionally like a euphemism. Don’t you read my reports?
[Editor: At this point the correspondence devolved into a rather petulant argument]
[1] Of course, he didn’t “succeed”. Much recrimination has followed between Frais and Grainger as to who should take credit for this result.